ITV’s annual search for an overnight superstar, Britain’s Got Talent, began on Saturday night with a rush of attention-grabbing comparative words flashing up in big letters on the screen.
“Crazier, weirder, scarier…” the list began, prompting me to wonder “Oh no, what’s Simon Cowell done to his face now?” Then it continued with words such as “louder” and “wilder”, and I realised it was more about the show in general. By the time we had reached “bigger” and “better”, I wasn’t sure who Cowell and his spin doctors were trying hardest to convince: themselves or us.
If it was themselves, then they have my sympathy — not least because one word that appeared to be missing was “longer”.
When Ant & Dec decided to rest Saturday Night Takeaway, ITV had a decision to make: Create a brand new show to fill two months of Saturday nights or shuffle its threadbare pack to plug the scheduling gap.
Incredibly though, ITV came up with a third — and, presumably, cheaper — option: Extend BGT’s run to 15 weeks and pray that no one would mind.
My first response to this news was to wonder how they could possibly hope to squeeze any extra life from a programme that had been looking like it was on its last legs for a good five years.
A programme in which the term overnight superstar had become less about the winner’s sudden rise from obscurity, and more about their rapid return to it. (Go on, name the past five winners without looking it up. You can’t.)
On Saturday night we appeared to get our answer. Even more padding. It was eight long minutes before we saw the first audition, and by the end of this near ninety-minute opening show we had failed to make it to double figures.
In recent years, we may have wondered aloud whether the show had run out of talent. This year, with 14 weeks still to go, there’s a very real danger it could run out of acts completely — and that’s allowing for the fact that some of those weeks will be filled by showing the semi-finals weekly rather than stripping them across one week.
Of course, the paucity of auditionees made a mockery of Cowell’s oft-repeated claim that the acts have just two minutes on stage to change their lives. This year’s first cute youngster, Teddy the 8-year-old magician from Kent, was in the spotlight for so long I thought ITV had given him his own hour-long special. Yes, of course there was a precocious child act in the first episode. So much for the bold claims that we should “expect the unexpected” this year.
In the talent show equivalent of Groundhog Day, this opener also featured a dog act, loads of international acts, an acrobatic dance troupe, an Ofcom-baiting ‘Do Not Try This At Home’ modern circus act, an impressionist who had to alert the audience to who he was doing, a plucky amateur singer who had been waiting years for their big break, and the trigger-happy judges handing out Golden Buzzers like confetti.
It was ironic that on the very day this latest series began, Cowell put his name to an impassioned newspaper article about the dangers AI poses to the entertainment and creative industries. If there’s one TV show an AI robot could knock up a full series of before its lunch break, it’s BGT. (N.B. No, I don’t know whether AI robots get a lunch break.)
The only unexpected spectacle on show — not counting Ant McPartlin turning up in one of Val Doonican’s old cardigans, that is — was the presence of a middle-aged man from abroad running around on stage in the nude, with only a few well-placed props covering his manhood.
It was a bloke called Akira from Japan, who duly sailed through to the next round full of hope that “the royal family will like my act.”
Good luck with that, Akira. I’m not saying Charles and Camilla and the gang wouldn’t enjoy a comedy performer who hides his dangly bits behind a sterling silver tea tray, but the smart money must surely be on him quietly disappearing from the process during the deliberation stage – if not before.
It remains to be seen whether the night’s other controversial act, Auzzy Blood, will actually feature in the live shows. Not only did his “corkscrew through the face” act push the limits of what is acceptable for a family audience, we also quickly discovered that, contrary to Cowell’s claim that “No one’s ever seen this before”, Blood appeared on America’s Got Talent (executive producer: Mr S Cowell) in 2022 and Got Talent Espana (creator: Mr S Cowell) in 2023.
It wasn’t the first time Cowell had flat out lied to the audience, of course. However, in an ideal world public outrage would ensure it would end up being the last. The fact that prior to the broadcast Cowell gleefully gushed “We probably will get some complaints. Hopefully!” said it all.
These days, Britain’s Got Talent is less about discovering actual talent and more about creating headlines to boost its YouTube views. I’m not blaming Cowell for quantifying BGT’s success in online terms. It’s probably the way forward, and probably the reason why he picked “the social media sensation KSI” to sit in for Bruno Tonioli.
The problem is, the production team’s quest for that brief viral moment has turned what used to be a Saturday night treat into a shouty mess that can be a real chore to watch at times. Am I saying I’d rather stick a meat hook through my nasal passages than sit through another minute of it though?
Dunno.
Ask me again next month.
Britain’s Got Talents streams on ITVX.
